di beranda jantungku yang rapuh
aku mengeram sebutir kenangan

tentang semut-semut yang begitu lapar
akan darah dan darah
(gula bukan lagi sahabat mereka
setelah tebu belakangan hari jadi
santapan lintah yang serakah)

banyak lagi ingatan-ingatan lain

tentang tuhan yang tiba-tiba berkelebatan
di bawah kilatan remang lampu disko
bukan di sekolah-sekolah renta atau musala tua

ya, bagaimanapun aku bisa bersyukur
itu cuma kenangan
rupanya tuhan pandai sekali
mencari topik perbincangan

we're getting old and a brain is not enough to keep all of them memories, so i choose to turn them into words. i write to read my past and to feel those wonderful moments again and again. i write because sometimes i can't say directly what i want to say. i write because i can find another world besides this world i'm living in. a more amazing world. i write because it's easier for me to put this thing in my busy mind into words than saying it out loud through my mouth.

i write to remember you. i write to feel us.

i write because i have photographic memory only for certain moments. i write because i'm a human and i want to feel what is it like to be a god, a creator of everything. i write to record sweet moments so can i taste them once more. i write because i want to meet you every time i want, even though you're not here, even though you're actually far away. i write because i have something to tell.

i write because i know you're a good reader.

no, no.. you're a perfect reader.

but i thought you would be a perfect reader to all of my stories. turned out that i was wrong. because i've been writing few stories about us and none of them you've read.

so, why do you read?

The Death of Hope

I wish I never met you
I wish I never kissed you
And told you that I missed you.

I wish I didn’t write stupid poems
To try and convince you to be with me
I wish I wouldn’t stop by your house just because I could.

What are we doing here
You fuck with boys’ minds
But why do you keep me around?

I wanted you
Now, I can’t even be in the same room with you
Just go.

Don’t talk to me
Don’t visit me
Just disappear

Leave my heart
Leave my soul
And everything about me as a whole.

Get me another drink
So I can wash your memory out of my veins
Kill some cells to leave this hell
It’s the only thing that helps.

I wish every star would explode and make me go deaf
And I wish the moon’s light would soon fade to black
So that I cannot see or hear
Maybe then I’ll forget the sound of your heartbeat under the night sky.

I wish I wasn’t so stupid
To stick around while you cried over some asshole who didn’t want you
I wish I didn’t care so fucking much about your problems.

I wish I never told you how much I loved you
And all those times I spent comforting you...
Were just never quite enough.

Why you!
This was never supposed to be
Just stop caring and leave.

We go in circles anyway
Progress is an illusion for what resembles hope
I wish I could hurt you.
Scar you.
Quit you.
Leave you.

You never loved me…
Only my presence to help you forget your pain
Used me up, and now I have no pity left for you.

If you loved me, then you should have caught me when I fell for you
…For a whole year
Now my love for you is lying dead at the bottom of a dark trench.

I wish we never took so many pictures
Ones that I never should have taken
What were we thinking?

It took the death of hope to let you go
And now I finally know…

Stay cold and alone in your bed
Without the warmth of the blue jacket
Or the sweet aroma of my cologne

I hope you hurt just as much as I do
I hope your guilt eats you alive
And you grasp what was lost

I hope when your eyes visit the moon
You realize the distance back to your heart
And remember how far I loved you.

I wish I could forget you
And everything we ever had
Don’t you get it?

I don’t care about you.
I don’t care about your needs.
I don’t care about your feelings.
But I do.

Maybe one day our hearts will bring us back home
Right here to the place where we’d meet
Where hope and dreams walk hand in hand
Where reality meets actuality
Where love is the only thing that matters.
And where the death of hope becomes the birth of new possibilities.